Friday, September 17, 2004
an old piece, in honor of recent activities:
THE IDEAL STUDENT
I shall be 15 minutes late each day a paper is due, for my spleen leaks out my bellybutton when I think about bibliographies. If you maintain eye contact with me for longer than 4 seconds, I will begin to spasm and hurl my belongings toward the doorway, myself to follow. This applies to everyone, instructor included. Refrain from saying the words “of course,” they cause me to slouch horribly and mutter into my armpits. Never manipulate numbers or engage in maths of any sort, nor science of any type; I will murder you where you stand. If you mention the derivation of any word, be prepared to suffer humiliating insults in the language said word derives from. My doctor requires I gargle dry white wine every 10 minutes; a note can be provided upon request. I will not stand idle chatter during pauses in the academic dialogue; they are distracting and ruin the harmony of learning. My life-sized stuffed gorilla requires a seat for his personal use, as does my bumbling henchman/doppelganger. I will only acknowledge notes written with white chalk on a green or black chalkboard. No overhead projectors, no dry erase boards with those blasted squeaky markers, no easel with paper, and absolutely no ridiculous fucking colored chalk! If the instructor is not wearing a tie, I refuse to raise my hand before speaking. If he is bald, I will laugh so loudly at his jokes that they will no longer be funny. Any reference to God or any sort of faith and/or personal spiritual belief of that variety will be met with cacophonous raspberry sounds courtesy of my henchman/doppelganger. I sincerely hope we all have an enlightening academic experience of the highest quality.
THE IDEAL STUDENT
I shall be 15 minutes late each day a paper is due, for my spleen leaks out my bellybutton when I think about bibliographies. If you maintain eye contact with me for longer than 4 seconds, I will begin to spasm and hurl my belongings toward the doorway, myself to follow. This applies to everyone, instructor included. Refrain from saying the words “of course,” they cause me to slouch horribly and mutter into my armpits. Never manipulate numbers or engage in maths of any sort, nor science of any type; I will murder you where you stand. If you mention the derivation of any word, be prepared to suffer humiliating insults in the language said word derives from. My doctor requires I gargle dry white wine every 10 minutes; a note can be provided upon request. I will not stand idle chatter during pauses in the academic dialogue; they are distracting and ruin the harmony of learning. My life-sized stuffed gorilla requires a seat for his personal use, as does my bumbling henchman/doppelganger. I will only acknowledge notes written with white chalk on a green or black chalkboard. No overhead projectors, no dry erase boards with those blasted squeaky markers, no easel with paper, and absolutely no ridiculous fucking colored chalk! If the instructor is not wearing a tie, I refuse to raise my hand before speaking. If he is bald, I will laugh so loudly at his jokes that they will no longer be funny. Any reference to God or any sort of faith and/or personal spiritual belief of that variety will be met with cacophonous raspberry sounds courtesy of my henchman/doppelganger. I sincerely hope we all have an enlightening academic experience of the highest quality.
